That girl

There is this girl I can’t get out of my mind, she has become somewhat of a permanent fixture for when I think about who I would like to see in a romantic sense. I have tried pursuing others but when it comes down to it I cannot really see myself going out with any of them with the same honesty as I seem to do with her.

The thing is that I am pretty sure I’ve made a mess of things and that my chances of ‘getting the girl’ have gone up in smoke. It’s bittersweet cos she knocks me off my feet I do not want anyone else, but I guess it is pointless chasing someone who does not feel the same way about me.

Let’s just get this straight,

It’s sucky that fate,

Decided the girl I date,

Isn’t going to be my best mate.

The other girls around don’t compare

I’m being led into despair

My greatest mistake was falling in love

With the girl I could never have.

 

 

Look

Looking forwards looking back,
There’s nothing I cannot see,
But for those who are alongside me,
Of them I am lost at sea.

It is hard to let it go,
This feeling inside,
That threatens to gnaw away,
Till nothing is left of me.

I’ve spent a long time planning out how things will go, and how things have actually turned out to be that now, when it is actually happening all around me, I’m at a loss at what to do.

There are people in my life who care for me I know this to be true, but the one who I thought always would, I guess it won’t be so. It’s hard to get a notice and when I do it is not to be a whole notice. You know that feeling inside of you when you’re aiming for something that you’re very unlikely to get? I’ve got that feeling inside of me, though I guess I should have known it’d be like this.

 

When the clouds are hanging overhead

I don’t feel like getting off my bed,
There’s a shadow hanging over my head,
And it’s in the form that I least suspected,
Guess there really wasn’t anything between you and I.

Looking too far into things that concerned us,
I guess I went too far with what I thought,
But while it went on I felt the embers of happiness,
While now I just wonder if it was worth anything at all.

I’m giving up, let’s just let it go

I’ve learnt my lesson, I’m just moving on

Hahaha ruddy annoying clouds overhead, just rain or go away

 

New day, Wonderful

You know how when you wake up in the morning and for an entire day everything just seems to scream out to you that things are good in the world? I got one of those today, and well it is awesome and I don’t want it to end just yet. Hopefully tonight keeps the dream alive

Some things I have to get done in the next week, set a date for my visa interview, buy some things for a multi continental wedding, and have a great time with the people here, don’t you think that’s grand?

Oh, and do some moonlighting as well

 

Knowing

How do you know when to be quiet?
When do you have to speak up?
Maybe it’s how you say things,
Or maybe it’s the things that you say?

I can’t seem to know how to talk about things with the people that matter, for the stuff that is important, well at least to me. I say things that sound random, but honestly I can say that whatever I say I do try to remember because well it’s just not that random.

Popping a question and fearing the answer so much that not hearing it is somewhat relaxing is such a pathetic life.

 

Sleepiness

Sleepiness brings out the weirdest actions, I just booked tickets for a plane ride…

 

Finding Alternatives

Finding alternative plans is always a pain to arrange, but when they come together, it’s an indescribable feeling cos it proves that I have people around me who can make the time for me, thanks guys, you’re rockstars. From now on I’m just doing things with people who want me along with them, it’s time to let go of the rest, you’re not worth it anymore.

It’s time to be a taker for once instead of a giver. When is someone going to encourage me? No more will I be the one to comfort those who just use me, it’s up to you now. If you want to be friends, then be sure to act like it more. Peace

 

Messing Up

I don’t know how to say that I’m sorry enough so that you’ll forgive

I’ve lied, I’ve deceived, but I still want your forgiveness, I know it isn’t much but I’ve messed up. Messed up in so many ways, each with their own consequences, but with you, it’s like a heaviness has descended upon me  that I can’t seem to shake off, it’s sticking like glue, and I’m miserable because of it, maybe it’s because there never was anyone but you in my heart, and I’ve possibly thrown it out of the window with how I acted. Blaming others is the easier way to get away from this, but with you, it’s impossible. I’ve had good times, I’ve had bad, but now the line is blurring, cos I’m in a quagmire of thoughts about how things will go from here… I’m sorry *huggies*

 

When Looking Up

Looking up into the sky, it means that you’re aiming for the stars, but also that you’re down there on the ground doesn’t it? The lowliest of creatures look up to the sky, hoping for a chance to shine, it’s unavoidable. When you’re stuck between the earth and the stars, it’s the worst feeling…

I’m currently feeling that way, stuck between top and bottom, East and West. I’m a Eurasian kid living in a world where there’s no actual place for us. We try our best to fit in with wherever we end up, we really do… But honestly it’s hard you know, it’s hard to keep turning the other cheek when you can tell that some others see you as being ‘different’ and consequently leave you by the wayside. It’s hard to always smile and be happy when you know that your only home is the home you go back to, it’s not in the people you are surrounded by.

It’s sad that people like us have been living in countries like these for centuries but are still seen as being different. Am I so different from say a Chinese man, or an Indian man, or even a Malay man? We’re all human, but I guess some are treated more equally than others eh… You know what, I say bugger it all, I don’t need to have your approval. Right now, all I want is to look up to the sky, and be at peace with everything. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

 

Dreaming

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately,

About this, that, and the other,

I don’t want to seem disloyal,

But it hurts so much everyday.

I think of what we have,

Of what we have gone through,

It hurts even more than before,

These feelings coursing through my veins.

Hardly being part of your life,

Hardly being a part of mine,

Those aren’t proper words to describe,

How we are to each other.

Always have I felt so melancholy,

Always have I felt so joyful,

But it’s been so long since,

I’ve felt these two emotions together.

I love you, I really do,

I guess this makes it harder,

When I cannot say to you,

That I want all of you.

 

Such a sad song to listen to when you’re sick XD